more teacher funnies

Found a few more teacher base someecards I just had to share

Yeah this needs to happen 🙂

truth about teaching

 

 

Not sure this one is actually funny it’s so true, nah it made me giggle so I’m sharing it.

teacher's mind

Not just teacher as this happens in day cares as well, and possibly Sunday schools.  I know day care because I worked as a 2 yr old lead teacher one year, I was pregnant with my son though at the time we didn’t know it was a boy having chosen to be surprised.  I had a girl’s name all picked out, then I had a little girls with the same first and middle name, yep that name went off our list FAST.  Now I just giggle as I see kiddos year after year with the same name and think, hmm must be the name LOL

teacher naming kids

Teacher Salaries

An oldie but a goody:

I’m fed up with teachers and their hefty salary guides. What we need here is a little perspective.

If I had my way, I’d pay these teachers myself. I’d pay them baby-sitting wages. That’s right, instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I’d give them $3 an hour out of my own pocket. And I’m only paying them for 5 hours, not coffee breaks or lunch.

That would be $15 a day – each parent should pay $15 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their child. Even if they have more than one child, it’s still a lot cheaper than private day care.

Now, how many children do they teach everyday – maybe 20? That’s $15 X 20 = $300 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I’m not going to pay them for all those vacations! $300 X 180 = $54,000. (Just a minute, I think my calculator needs batteries.)

I know now what you teachers will say – what about those who have 10 year’s experience and a master’s degree? Well, maybe (to be fair) they could get the minimum wage, and instead of just baby-sitting, they could read the kids a story. We could round that off to about $5 an hour, times five hours, times 20 children. That’s $500 a day times 180 days. That’s $90,000 … HUH???

Wait a minute, let’s get some perspective here. Baby-sitting wages are too good for these teachers. Did anyone see a salary guide around here???

~author unknown

Real Teachers (a longer version)

Back on December 8, I posted Real Teachers, some funnies I’d found on an old MNEA newsletter.  Well I found an even longer version in my online drive recently, here it is.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher’s lounge.
Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of six weeks have even been seen grading in church.
Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.
Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
Real teachers can’t walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.
Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders and kidneys.
Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher’s manuals.
Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.
Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.
Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission.
Real teachers know that the best end of semester lesson plans come from Blockbuster.
Real teachers know the shortest distance and length of travel time to the front office.
Real teachers can “sense” gum.
Real teachers know the difference between what ought to be graded, what should be graded, and what should never see the light of day.
Real teachers know that the first class disruption they see is probably the second one that occurred.
Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
Real teachers know better than to plan discussions or cooperative groups for last period during an observation.
Real teachers know that secretaries and custodians really run the school.
Real teachers know that rules do not apply to them.
Real teachers give themselves away in public because of the dry erase pen marker smudges all over their hands.
Real teachers know that dogs are carnivores and not “homework paperavores.”
Real teachers know that happy hour does indeed begin on Friday afternoons.
Real teachers do not take “no” for an answer unless it is written in a complete sentence.
Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.
Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks.
Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.
Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil at Sam’s.
Real teachers have the assistant principals’ and counselors’ home phone numbers.
Real teachers know the value of a good education and are appalled upon seeing their paychecks.
AND FINALLY…….
Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely nonexpendable.

~author unknown

Classroom Jokes

Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Tanner said to the little boy while holding out her hand.
“My dog ate it,” was his reply.
“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“It’s true, Miss Tanner, I swear,” insisted the boy. “I had to force him, but he ate it!”

Said a boy to his teacher one day,
“Wright has not written ‘rite’ right, I say.”
So the teacher replied,
As the error she eyed,
“Right. Wright, write ‘rite’ right, right away.

Jane came home from her first day at school. When asked about school she explained to her mother, “It was all right except for some lady named Teacher who kept spoiling our fun.”

Mrs. Jones brought her son Elmer to register at the school. However, little Elmer was only five and the required age was six.
“I think,” said Mrs. Jones to the principal, “that he can pass the six-year-old test.”
“We’ll see,” replied the principal . “Elmer, say the first thing that comes to your mind.”
“Do you want logically connected sentences,” said Elmer, “or a spontaneous sampling of random words?”

Rupert: (after the teacher handed out the report cards): I don’t want to scare you, teacher, but my father said that if I didn’t bring home a good report card, somebody was going to get spanked!

Second Grade Student: I really liked being in your class Miss Jones. I’m sorry you’re not smart enough to teach us next year.

Drew: Want to hear the story about the broken pencil?
Lew: No thanks, I’m sure it has no point.

How do you begin a story about . .
Palm trees? Once a palm a time . . . .
Chess? Once a pawn a time . . . .
A little lake? Once a pond a time . . . .
A joke? Once a pun a time . . .

Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Junior : You said it was my lunch money.

Allen: I won a prize in kindergarten today. The teacher asked me how many legs a hippopotamus has. I said three.
Father: Three? How on earth did you win the prize?
Allen: I came the closest.

Son: Dad, I’m tired of doing homework.
Father: Now son, hard work never killed anyone yet.
Son: I know, Dad, but I don’t want to be the first.

Anne: Great news! The teacher said we’d have a test today rain or shine!
Jan: What’s so great about that?
Anne: It’s snowing!

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Son: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Son: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Daughter: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Daughter: Your name on this report card.

Boy: Isn’t the principal a dummy!
Girl: Say, do you know who I am?
Boy: No.
Girl: I’m the principal’s daughter.
Boy: And do you know who I am?
Girl: No.
Boy: Thank goodness!

You might be a teacher if (funny)

You’ve ever said “Put that gum on your nose!” …outside of the classroom.

You can’t have children because there is no name you can think of that doesn’t give you high blood pressure.

You hand pieces of paper to your friends and make them spit out their gum in front of you.

Your voice is permanently set on high volume from attempting to be heard over students’ voices day after day.

You’re more strict with the kids at school than at home.

You correct a total stranger’s grammar errors.

When you go shopping and your kids spot a friend, the kid’s parents come over and say hi, and you don’t remember ever meeting them.

Any sustained loud noise causes you to impulsively flick the light switch on and off.

You send another adult to detention for using four-letter words in public … and they go.

You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.”

You cringe whenever someone says, “At least you give three months vacation.”

Or “I would love to get off work at 3.”

(Most) people allow you to tell their child what to do.

You have at least one piece of jewelry that lights up.

Your own children have to raise their hands to capture your attention.

You can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.

When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

When you mention “vegetables,” you’re not talking about a food group.

Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

You believe chocolate is a food group.

~author unknown

Things You’ll Never Hear a Teacher Say (funny)

9. “Thank goodness for these evaluations. They keep me focused.”

8. “I’d like to see Red Lobster throw down a meal like this!”

7. “I can’t BELIEVE I get paid for this!!!!”

6. “Here class…just put all your gym shoes in this box next to my desk.”

5. “I bet all the people in our administration really miss teaching!!”

4. “Gosh, the bathroom smells so fresh and clean!”

3. “It must be true…the school news said so!”

2. “I think the discipline around here is just a LITTLE too strict!!”

1. “It’s Friday already???????”

~author unknown

Survivor (funny)

Have you heard about the next planned Survivor show?

6 CEOs (3 male – 3 female) will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 6 weeks. Each CEO will be provided with a copy of their school district’s curriculum, and a class of 28 students. Each class will have five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.H.D., and two who speak limited English. Three will be labeled as severe behavior problems. One or two will be gifted. No less than 4 will be native speakers of English who are reading 3 grade levels below the one they are in.

Each CEO must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create materials accordingly. They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, bandage and document injuries, defend teaching technique and books chosen from extremists of all vantage points, and arrange and conduct parent conferences. They must also supervise recess and breakfast, monitor the hallways, and load children into cars and/or buses every afternoon. In addition, they will complete drills for fire, tornadoes, shooting attacks, and bomb threats. They must attend workshops (100 hours), faculty meetings, union meetings, and curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor those students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the Terra Nova, EPA, CAT or End of Course tests, which they will be required to take whether they can read the tests or not.

If they are sick or having a bad day, they must not let it show. Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, technology, Spanish language, social studies and multicultural tolerance into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment, at each child’s instructional level, at all times. The CEOs will only have access to the golf course on the weekends, but only after papers have been graded, assignments modified for concepts missed, and reteaching opportunities addressed. On their new salary they will not be able to afford it anyway.

There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to 20 minutes, while supervising students who are going through the lunch line, eating (and throwing food or throwing up). On the rare days when they do not have recess duty, the CEOs will be permitted to use the staff restroom as long as another survival candidate is supervising their class. They will be provided with two 40-minute planning periods per week while their students are at specials. If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials at this time. The business people must continually advance their education on their own time and pay for this advanced training themselves. This can be accomplished by moonlighting at a second job or marrying someone with money.

The winner will be allowed to return to his or her corporate job.

~ Author Unknown