More Classroom Jokes

Teacher: Your spelling is much better Ronald. Only five mistakes that time.
Student: Thank you Miss Smith.
Teacher: Now let’s go on to the next word.

Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?
Student: The river or the state Miss?

Teacher: If “can’t” is short for “cannot,” what is “don’t” short for?
Student: Doughnut.

Teacher: Are you good in math?
Student: Yes and no.
Teacher: What does that mean?
Student: Yes, I’m no good in math.

Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Student: I get up early.

Student: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Student: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

Teacher: Seymour, you copied from Susan’s test didn’t you?
Student: How did you find out?
Teacher: Susan’s test answer says, “I don’t know,” and yours says, “Me neither.”

Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday?
Student: Seven.
Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday?
Student: Nine.
Teacher: That’s impossible.
Student: No, it isn’t, Teacher. I’m eight today.

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: George!

Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Willy: Me!

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I’m Billy Anderson.

Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?
Student: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don’t expect you to keep yours.

Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground then you are.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Don’s paper.
John: I hope you didn’t either.

Student: I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.

Teacher: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What’s that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Student: You can’t fool me, Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.

Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Student: Don’t bite any.

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
Ellen: I is…
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, “I am.”
Ellen: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

Teacher: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
Student: A new bike.

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Student: One dollar.

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Class Clown: Big hands!

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Excuses actually received by teachers (funny)

Dear School: Please accuse John from being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

May could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school becuz he has an acre in his back.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

Lillian was absent from school because she had a going over.

My son has been under the doctor’s care and should not take fizacal ed. Please execute him.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Joyce from PE for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sore trout.

Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping cranes in his chest.

Lynda was away as she had stripe infection.

Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will have an appointment with the orinthologist.

Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter’s absence for the past week, as she had a case of the fool.

~from San Francisco Teacher, 1978

Classroom Jokes

Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Tanner said to the little boy while holding out her hand.
“My dog ate it,” was his reply.
“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“It’s true, Miss Tanner, I swear,” insisted the boy. “I had to force him, but he ate it!”

Said a boy to his teacher one day,
“Wright has not written ‘rite’ right, I say.”
So the teacher replied,
As the error she eyed,
“Right. Wright, write ‘rite’ right, right away.

Jane came home from her first day at school. When asked about school she explained to her mother, “It was all right except for some lady named Teacher who kept spoiling our fun.”

Mrs. Jones brought her son Elmer to register at the school. However, little Elmer was only five and the required age was six.
“I think,” said Mrs. Jones to the principal, “that he can pass the six-year-old test.”
“We’ll see,” replied the principal . “Elmer, say the first thing that comes to your mind.”
“Do you want logically connected sentences,” said Elmer, “or a spontaneous sampling of random words?”

Rupert: (after the teacher handed out the report cards): I don’t want to scare you, teacher, but my father said that if I didn’t bring home a good report card, somebody was going to get spanked!

Second Grade Student: I really liked being in your class Miss Jones. I’m sorry you’re not smart enough to teach us next year.

Drew: Want to hear the story about the broken pencil?
Lew: No thanks, I’m sure it has no point.

How do you begin a story about . .
Palm trees? Once a palm a time . . . .
Chess? Once a pawn a time . . . .
A little lake? Once a pond a time . . . .
A joke? Once a pun a time . . .

Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Junior : You said it was my lunch money.

Allen: I won a prize in kindergarten today. The teacher asked me how many legs a hippopotamus has. I said three.
Father: Three? How on earth did you win the prize?
Allen: I came the closest.

Son: Dad, I’m tired of doing homework.
Father: Now son, hard work never killed anyone yet.
Son: I know, Dad, but I don’t want to be the first.

Anne: Great news! The teacher said we’d have a test today rain or shine!
Jan: What’s so great about that?
Anne: It’s snowing!

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Son: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Son: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Daughter: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Daughter: Your name on this report card.

Boy: Isn’t the principal a dummy!
Girl: Say, do you know who I am?
Boy: No.
Girl: I’m the principal’s daughter.
Boy: And do you know who I am?
Girl: No.
Boy: Thank goodness!

My Ice Bucket Challenge and a New Challenge to my students

Title pretty much says it all.  I was tagged for the Ice Bucket Challenge but decided it was time to change things up.  The video explains the rest.

 

 

I’d like to add more people to this challenge, an additional change as it were.  I challenge other teachers to do something similar, have your kids research and let’s raise not just awareness but educational level on debilitating diseases.  Our students educating themselves and others may help them to look at those with disabilities in a new light.

A Teacher’s Plea to Other Teachers

Please oh please when you use my classroom show me the same respect I show you.  The last thing I do when working in someone else’s room is have the kids clean up, put things back where they found them or where they belong.  Sometimes the room is left looking better than when we came in.  Show me the same courtesy and leave my room looking as neat as it was when you and your class walked in.

When given a directive from higher up (principal or district) please follow it, especially when it is in regards to students.  If we’re all given the same directions we should all be on the same page this makes life easier for us and for our students.  It is incredibly frustrating to have to spend time explaining why something is supposed to be done a certain way if you don’t do the same thing.  I really don’t like feeling like the bad guy because I won’t let the kids do something they’re not supposed to.

Be flexible.  I know how much it stinks to have to give up your room to someone else on your plan time.  In my last classroom position my room was used by an encore/elective/ exploratory class at least half of the year, one year it was in use for three quarters.  This meant that not only did I not have my room for my plan time, often if something happened and that teacher had to be elsewhere I subbed the class meaning I had NO plan time that day.  I get that it’s easier when you can be in your room with your supplies but if it’s for one plan time in a week or just a few in the year please just go with the flow!

Be grateful.  This is something I’ve discovered, no matter the school situation you are in there are things to be grateful for.  In a small district I was able to get to know my students and their families better than in a large district as I was fortunate enough to have kids for three years and have siblings.  I felt that I got to know my co-workers better as there were fewer of us.  I got to have more of a say on what went on in the school and the district, participating in and co-chairing the district calendar committee, participating in the district salary committee.  In a large district classroom teachers often don’t have to do lunch, recess, or bus duty.  There is someone in my building now and the last two buildings I’ve worked in that does the copying and laminating for the teachers so they don’t have to take the time to do it.  Little things like that can make a big difference.  Also in a large district many times your substitutes are certified teachers, nearly guaranteed if you are going on long-term leave.  This is a blessing, believe me (see my maternity leave sub experience post).  So take a look at what you have no matter what it is and take time to be thankful for it!

Look for the positive in every student and if you talk to their next year teacher share that information not the negative or at the very least share that as well.   Give every student that comes through your door a clean slate.  Let them start fresh, don’t rely on the tales you’ve heard about them from other teachers.  I have had students other teachers simply couldn’t get along with and I had absolutely no issues with those students.  Then again I had students I struggled with and I found as I continued to try to find the positive, tried to identify their strengths our relationship improved.

Just like I ask parents, please don’t ever compare students to siblings of theirs you’ve had before.  You know you don’t like it when kids whine and complain that Mrs. So and So never did it this way or Mr. Thus and Such wasn’t like that, so don’t do it to students.  Each child is a unique individual treat them as such.

Please read your e-mails carefully and when you see something that regards your class schedule make a note of it in your plan book, on a post-it in clear site, tell your class so they can remind you, or a combination there of.  It makes the day run so much smoother if you keep track of these things, I know I’ve written down the wrong time or misremembered it from an e-mail and lost class time due to being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Similarly if you have to make a change that effects another teacher let them know.  I just made this mistake yesterday, there had been a change in my schedule and I forgot to pass that information on.  My students lost class time as we had to switch locations.  I quickly hopped on the computer to let everyone else know what the changes were.

Leave seating charts with your sub plans.  I have heard more students called: you, um you in the pink shirt, yes you in the blue by subs because the teacher had no seating chart.  I’m also guilty of having done this but after observing it happen and feeling bad because every child deserves to be called by their name I’ve tried to rectify this.  Currently my classes do not have a seating chart written because they sit in alphabetical order around the room with their class number matching their seat number, well that and the wonderful gal that subs my classes knows the majority of the kids in the building already.

Similar to above if you’re changing what you’re planning to teach and that effects someone else let them know.  I had spoken to a certain grade level earlier this year about a project they always do as I wanted to do something with the same information in my classes.  I was told go ahead and do whatever I wanted because they weren’t doing that project this year, they were teaching the unit differently.  Then came the day I planned to start the project and I found out from the students that they were indeed doing the project as they normally would.  The teachers had apparently changed their minds and not let me know.  This led to a scramble on my part to find something new to do.  Fortunately I found something I really like, the kids really like, and something that will be in my teacher tool box from now on but it would have been easier if I had known ahead of time.

Be respectful of all staff, treat everyone as part of the same team.  I have worked in buildings where the support staff was wholeheartedly accepted and treated as just part of the team.  I’ve also been in buildings where it seemed that the support staff was treated as if they were lesser because they were not certified staff members.  Care to guess which buildings had the higher staff morale and better overall sense of community?  Pretty easy to figure out huh?  The kids pick up on this as well and they will learn to treat others the same way.  Keep that in mind.

Be on time to pick up your class from lunch or specials.  These teachers/staff members have elsewhere to go.  You might be cutting in to someone’s lunch or plan time if you are late, or maybe they’re supposed to be on duty elsewhere leaving kids under-supervised or causing other staff and teachers to lose lunch/plan time.  I know sometimes meetings run long.  Maybe send one teacher to pick all the kids up while the others stay in a meeting.  Call the teacher and let them know you’re running late, call the office and see if someone can pick up your class.  It’s the same as above be respectful of everyone.

Be open-minded when it comes to professional development.  Something else of which I’ve been guilty.  I was scheduled to attend a five day workshop and was dreading it.   I had heard this was a great workshop that it would really change my classroom, my teaching, and my students’ performance but I still just knew I was going to go out of my head sitting in a room for six hours a day for five days.  I was so wrong.  The workshop really did change things for me, it was wonderful, dynamic, and one of the best workshops I’ve ever attended.  I’ll write about my Kagan experience later.  Still when the ladies I attended with and I took our info back to our staff we were met with some open and some closed minds.  The open minds ended up attending a conference of their own on Kagan and loving it.  The closed continued in their same old way and complaining about the kids that didn’t learn, didn’t listen, didn’t pay attention.  Keep that open mind and you just may be surprised.

I love my job and my career!

Scrolling through daily prompts I came across this one that I missed at the start of last week and knew I had to rectify the mistake of missing it the first time out.

While I don’t spring out of my bed in the  morning thrilled to go to work, sorry I’m not a morning person I much prefer staying up later, I do love my job.

I detail why I chose my profession on the Why I became a teacher page of my blog but as for my current job well… while I’m not a classroom teacher I do teach classes and have my own room, yep figure that one out lol.  The smallest things can excite me when working with kids.  On Friday I had a student who struggles some remember that I had taught them previously the ctrl – s shortcut to save I nearly cheered.  The random hugs, the messages from former students to fill me in on their lives or just say they miss me (I moved away from where I used to teach) make me smile.

Yes there are frustrations ask any teacher and they can enumerate them for you but for me it’s the light going on in a child’s eyes when something makes sense, it’s the smile you get just for being there, it’s the rare thanks you get for something you said or did.  I have been incredibly fortunate to have students actually tell me thank you for being there for them, for “making” them read, for believing in them.  I can’t imagine any other way to be as a teacher and I can’t imagine any other better career in the world.

I’m in my fourth year of seeking a classroom position and it can be frustrating but I know I wouldn’t trade my career for any other, I quite simply can’t imagine every doing anything else at least nothing outside of the education field.  I’ve looked for possible education related jobs at the zoo or science center something that would still allow me to teach and work with kids but even when it’s been suggested I try to find a different job I just can’t do it.

I’m one of the fortunate ones that found my calling early, as in before college, and I thank God for that regularly.

Written for the DP Daily Prompt Sixteen Tons

This teacher’s code

I do try to live by a set of principles especially when it comes to my classroom.  These are not in any order of importance but simply in order of how they popped into my mind.

1) Let my students know that I care.  You never know the whole situation of a child when they walk through your door.  Kids can be good at hiding things.  I want my students to know that I care about them and that I’m always there if they need someone to listen.

2) Celebrate successes.  I posted on March 9th about What you focus on, to more I celebrate successes in both behavior and academics the more students notice them as well, the more my classroom becomes a positive place.

3) Know the material and if you don’t learn it. So this fits me especially well as I posted on March 27th in Pretending my way through the day I’m not an expert at what I teach so I do the research I do the lessons I have the kids do to be sure I’m prepared.  Even when I think I know the material I often do the assignments I give the kids so that I know I’m prepared and because things change.  I taught middle school communication arts for nine years and in the first year I discovered that the rules for possessive nouns had changed.  I had not read the lesson before I began teaching and had to stop in the middle to look at it closer and tell the kids I’d made a mistake which leads me to –

4) Own up to your mistakes.  I’m human I make mistakes and I make sure I tell the kids I do, they need to know everyone makes mistakes.  I’ve had teachers through the years that act as if they are perfect and cover up any mistakes they made, it makes me crazy.  I’ve made mistakes grading before when students come to me and ask about it (though I require they do it respectfully as in “Mrs. D you marked this answer wrong and when we went over it in class it’s not.” instead of yelling out in class “Hey you screwed up” and yes I’ve had that happen and the issue at hand for me there is the respect and the fact that the student just disrupted the whole class.  When I do mark something incorrectly I fix it on the paper immediately and as soon as I can in the grade book.  If by chance I miss marking something wrong and the student lets me know I either let them keep the points or correct for full points rather than half points depending on what the question was worth  (this may change after reading Repair Kit for Grading.)  I also apologize to the kids when I make mistakes.  To me it’s important for them to hear that, to have a good model for apologizing.  (not I also apologize to my son when I’ve made a mistake or snapped at him for no reason)

5) Help every student in my class to achieve to the best of their ability, to fulfill their potential.  I really don’t think anyone should be teaching if this isn’t part of their persona teaching code.

6) Don’t ever purposefully embarrass a student and if you do it accidentally apologize (see #4).  I know that there are teachers that embarrass kids to get them to behave or do work and I want to ask does that actually work for you?  Do the kids change their behavior?  Some may but I’d lay odds that most don’t.  Not to mention you’re setting up an antagonistic relationship with that student and that is not the way to help them learn.

Well that’s it for now.  I may think of more and add them later, it could take days for this to be a complete post actually and it may never be because a teacher’s code should really be a “living document” changing as you get more and varied experience.

Written for DP Daily Prompt: I Walk the Line