More Classroom Jokes

Teacher: Your spelling is much better Ronald. Only five mistakes that time.
Student: Thank you Miss Smith.
Teacher: Now let’s go on to the next word.

Teacher: How do you spell Mississippi?
Student: The river or the state Miss?

Teacher: If “can’t” is short for “cannot,” what is “don’t” short for?
Student: Doughnut.

Teacher: Are you good in math?
Student: Yes and no.
Teacher: What does that mean?
Student: Yes, I’m no good in math.

Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Student: I get up early.

Student: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Student: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

Teacher: Seymour, you copied from Susan’s test didn’t you?
Student: How did you find out?
Teacher: Susan’s test answer says, “I don’t know,” and yours says, “Me neither.”

Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday?
Student: Seven.
Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday?
Student: Nine.
Teacher: That’s impossible.
Student: No, it isn’t, Teacher. I’m eight today.

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: George!

Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Willy: Me!

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I’m Billy Anderson.

Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?
Student: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don’t expect you to keep yours.

Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground then you are.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Don’s paper.
John: I hope you didn’t either.

Student: I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.

Teacher: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What’s that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Student: You can’t fool me, Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.

Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Student: Don’t bite any.

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
Ellen: I is…
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, “I am.”
Ellen: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

Teacher: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
Student: A new bike.

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Student: One dollar.

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Class Clown: Big hands!

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Excuses actually received by teachers (funny)

Dear School: Please accuse John from being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

May could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school becuz he has an acre in his back.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

Lillian was absent from school because she had a going over.

My son has been under the doctor’s care and should not take fizacal ed. Please execute him.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Joyce from PE for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sore trout.

Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping cranes in his chest.

Lynda was away as she had stripe infection.

Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will have an appointment with the orinthologist.

Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter’s absence for the past week, as she had a case of the fool.

~from San Francisco Teacher, 1978

You might be a teacher if (funny)

You’ve ever said “Put that gum on your nose!” …outside of the classroom.

You can’t have children because there is no name you can think of that doesn’t give you high blood pressure.

You hand pieces of paper to your friends and make them spit out their gum in front of you.

Your voice is permanently set on high volume from attempting to be heard over students’ voices day after day.

You’re more strict with the kids at school than at home.

You correct a total stranger’s grammar errors.

When you go shopping and your kids spot a friend, the kid’s parents come over and say hi, and you don’t remember ever meeting them.

Any sustained loud noise causes you to impulsively flick the light switch on and off.

You send another adult to detention for using four-letter words in public … and they go.

You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.”

You cringe whenever someone says, “At least you give three months vacation.”

Or “I would love to get off work at 3.”

(Most) people allow you to tell their child what to do.

You have at least one piece of jewelry that lights up.

Your own children have to raise their hands to capture your attention.

You can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.

When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

When you mention “vegetables,” you’re not talking about a food group.

Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

You believe chocolate is a food group.

~author unknown

Things You’ll Never Hear a Teacher Say (funny)

9. “Thank goodness for these evaluations. They keep me focused.”

8. “I’d like to see Red Lobster throw down a meal like this!”

7. “I can’t BELIEVE I get paid for this!!!!”

6. “Here class…just put all your gym shoes in this box next to my desk.”

5. “I bet all the people in our administration really miss teaching!!”

4. “Gosh, the bathroom smells so fresh and clean!”

3. “It must be true…the school news said so!”

2. “I think the discipline around here is just a LITTLE too strict!!”

1. “It’s Friday already???????”

~author unknown

10 Reasons to become a teacher (funny)

10. Big Bucks!

9. Know all the answers on the test

8. Never a stressful moment

7. Practice pedagogy without fear of arrest

6. Free apples!

5. Massive funding for classroom supplies

4. Joyfully implement wise policies of marvelous administrators, earning thanks of a grateful nation

3. Discipline tomorrow’s U.S. leaders today

2. Spend leisurely summer in intensive therapy attempting to recover strength for new term

1. Might have to work for a living otherwise (HA HA HA!!!)

~author unknown

Day 18: RT – a teacher is…

Create a metaphor/simile/analogy that describes your teaching philosophy. For example, a “teacher is a ________…”

You know what, I don’t think I can come up with a better answer this than has already been written by Stacy Bonino in the poem I Am A Teacher that I originally posted on April 14, 2014.  I’ll share it again here though.

I Am a Teacher

I am a counselor and psychologist to a problem-filled child,

I am a police officer that controls a child gone wild.

I am a travel agent scheduling our trips for the year,

I am a confidante that wipes a crying child’s tear.

I am a banker collecting money for a ton of different things,

I am a librarian showing adventures that a storybook brings.

I am a custodian that has to clean certain little messes,

I am a psychic that learns to know all that everybody only guesses.

I am a photographer keeping pictures of a child’s yearly growth,

When mother and father are gone for the day, I become both.

I am a doctor that detects when a child is feeling sick,

I am a politician that must know the laws and recognize a trick.

I am a party planner for holidays to celebrate with all,

I am a decorator of a room, filling every wall.

I am a news reporter updating on our nation’s current events,

I am a detective solving small mysteries and ending all suspense.

I am a clown and comedian that makes the children laugh,

I am a dietician assuring they have lunch or from mine I give them half.

When we seem to stray from values, I become a preacher,

But I’m proud to have to be these people because …

I’m proud to say, “I am a teacher.”

25 signs you might be teaching in 2015

I found this list on te@chthought here I laughed my way through the list, so many of them apply to me.

25 Signs You’re  Teaching In 2015

1. You think of clouds as good things.

2. You believe tagging is the new email.

3. The blogosphere is more relevant a term than the stratosphere.

4. You spent more this year on iPad peripherals than you have pencils and pens.

5. You giggle when you recall how you used to simply give tests at the end of a unit.

6. You google before you even try to remember.

7. You begged your school accountant for an iTunes card instead of your annual classroom fund.

8. Have actually used the phrase “digital citizenship” in a sentence with a straight face.

9. You’re in bad shape if the internet goes down during a lesson.

10. YouTube makes more sense than television.

11. You forgot what chalk does to your skin.

12. Flipping the classroom is an instructional strategy rather than a response to misbehavior.

13. You’re sure Vine is rotting your middle schooler’s brain.

14. Your district has a more transparent facebook policy than they do on assessment or curriculum mapping.

15. You’re scared to explain your blended, student-centered, mobile-centric classroom to parents, so you don’t mention any of it on the syllabus.

16. You’ve “crowdsourced” something–school supplies, for example.

17. You trade rooms with another teacher for a better Wi-Fi signal—and don’t tell them why.

18. You’ve texted during class, but have taken a student’s phone for doing the same.

19. You plan lessons assuming that every student has Wi-Fi broadband access 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

20. Students blame passwords and log-in issues rather than the dog for eating their homework.

21. Your students have to explain certain technologies to you, but you pretend you already knew.

22. You seriously consider that if it’s not being talked about on twitter, it may not have happened.

23. You’ve spoken more recently with the tech leader in Mumbai than the new 10th grade Math teacher down the hall.

24. You’d never admit it, but you judge other people by the tech they carry.

25. You’re energized–and absolutely fatigued–by the rate of change in your craft as an educator early in the 21st century.